JO News Report_J-Ro SPACE to launch
- Sep 9, 2016
- 3 min read
Press Release
J-Ro SPACE to launch this weekend, rumors abound
Talk of incompetence,outdated know-how surface
Sept. 9, 2016
Columbia, MO: J-Ro SPACE has been planning a rocket launch at an undisclosed location for this weekend somewhere in Columbia, MO. A launch that has been surrounded by rumor, drama, and questions of incompetence directed toward the company’s Chief Executive Officer, J-Ro.
J-Ro is best described as an eccentric mathematician, that many have doubts about his ability to accomplish a successful launch. The start-up organization has reportedly never had a successful launch, and J-Ro’s experience goes back decades, however, it been a decade since he has put his hands on a rocket. While J-Ro’s experience does go back to the age of 10 years, his last successful launch was in 1991. Rumors also have surface about lacking logistical revenue, shortages, and whether the launch system will arrive in time for the tentative launch date.
J-Ro is also reported to have a plethora of health problems leaving many wondering about his endurance level needed to conduct the event properly. He apparently has trouble driving vehicles with more than two-wheels. He was quoted once in a leaked health report, “I just feel a lot more comfortable riding a motorcycle than driving a car.”
Whether this event will end in a disaster or a success is a question that has opinions on both sides. “Ah... I'll cheer for the eccentric engineer,” said Roxy Rose, who lives near the J-Ro SPACE facility and often peers over the fence in curiosity. She claims to have actually spoken with the recluse.
Security is tight around the compound.
“I got the feeling [J-Ro] wants to set rocket off soon.” said another neighbor, Ruthie Rutherford, “but I hope I can watch… I've never seen anything like that.”
There is also rumors that the CEO is obsessed with retro rockets from the 80s. Undocumented reports and exclusive video from other news sources appear to show J-Ro constructing the estes rocket named “Yankee,” a rocket that has been around from the time that estes rockets first started their business, selling them to Cub Scouts. A coffee-stained invoice recovered near the J-Ro site indicates that J-Ro SPACE is requisitioning another 1980s estes rocket relic, the “Photon Probe.”
Most experts say, that the launch is unlikely and will never happen.
The CEO's best friend, Cookie Wookie is quoted by one source as saying, "He don't know what he is doing," in an unofficial comment. Wookie was reported to have made this comment after a long duration of lack of treat distribution as the company’s supply lines had been stretched in the early design efforts. But inside sources point out that she may have had a personal issue with the CEO at the time.
When we contacted her, she denied everything saying “such things about my best friend…unheard of!” She said that she finds this press attack as unethical, but asked if we had any extra slim jims in the press van. A payoff? Not sure.
“Well, even best friends don't get along all the time,” said Rose. “She was hungry!”
Some sources claim that J-Ro SPACE sees this as a test launch to ensure systems are in check for more launches of greater height in the future. It seems that the organization is only planning to use esstes rocket engines of size A8-3 which are of limited thrust and are usually used for maiden launches.
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